Sometimes partners fall into the trap of “sticking to their guns” no matter what out of fear or pride. But, we can choose to look at things differently, to reframe our position.
We all know that our perception creates our reality. That’s why two people experiencing the same event have a different take on what happened. But, we may tend to assume that our perception is the reality when in fact it’s our reality. Other people involved in the same situation will have a different experience and it will be a different reality for them.
One of the things that we can do is to first acknowledge that our perception is not the reality, that it’s our reality. Having made that decision, we can then ask ourselves “What’s another way that I can look at this? Is there a way that is more productive that I can look at this?” We can ask our partner what his or her experience or feeling is and accept that is their reality without blame or judgment.
One thing I find helpful personally is to decide that my first step is to look at myself, not to start out pointing to the other person and going “You caused this. When you do x, you made me feel such and such.” Actually that’s not the reality. What’s real is that when they did x, I made myself feel such and such. The good news here is that when you get in the driver’s seat about your feelings then you can make changes. You can stop, release blame and assumptions and engage your partner in a productive discussion with the intent of mutually sharing feelings, while individually accepting responsibility. Then you are positioned so that together you can create a more loving and fulfilling relationship for both of you.